People Watching Field Notes From The National Zoo

I should begin by noting that I find a very strong presumption of heterosexuality in our society. To my gender theory brothers out there, this is a ‘heteronormitive’ bias. I try to do everything in my power to counter this. Chiefly, I assume most people are gay until proven otherwise, and even then I largely suspect they might be bisexual.

Anyone can go to the Zoo to look at the animals, but how long can one look at a panda eating bamboo? After awhile, the people become supremely more interesting. I spent a Saturday there observing the most interesting species of mammals: tourists.

There’s a couple making out in the middle of the walkway, oblivious to all around them. The sloths seem very interested. Five minutes later there’s another couple, breaking up in the same spot. A gay couple walks past with their female friend standing between them.

Is it bad that I can’t summon a tremendous amount of sympathy for someone who is in a motorized scooter only because they’re obese?

The Zoo is swarming with tourists, it’s high season for them. You can tell how long families have been walking around by how they treat their children. Those that just showed up shower their young with attention. Those that have been here for three hours already don’t care how much their kids yell and run around. A kid keeps pronouncing sloth as ‘slut.’ His parents are laughing too hard to correct him.

A statue is labeled, “Caution, Statue Is Hot.” People go out of their way to touch it.

It never ceases to amaze me how you can always spot a Midwesterner. I love them, don’t get me wrong. There are even some members of my family who are of that lifestyle. But black shoes, white socks, and shorts do not appear normally in nature.

Urban gays have short shorts and (horror of horrors), jorts. Midwestern gays have capris.

After a few hours I’ve had my fill of people watching and head for the exit. A very young couple is walking the other way. The mother, who couldn’t be more than 25, had three children walking behind her, one in a stroller, and another on the way. She commanded their moments. The father followed with the children, and shared their attitude.